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URBAN PLANNERS TIRED OF TRANSFORMERS KICKING THE CRAP OUT OF CITIES
Seattle, Washington, USA
Repeatedly laying waste to cities gets tedious for designers.
Urban planners redesign newly destroyed city.
By VICTORIA KAY
WWGN Staff Reporter
When asked about the habitual destruction by Transformers, urban planner Jay Hockuli just shakes his head.
“At first, we joked about job security,” states Hockuli, “but after a while it was just frustrating. We would just have the ribbon-cutting ceremony when these chuckle-head robots would come along a smash the stuffing out of everything.”
Then it was back to the zoning board, standing in line for permits and endless feasibility studies. Beginning in 2007, the wave of destruction has happened about every two years since.
The hostilities began when a civil war erupted on another planet between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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Yet, all of that is lost on Hockuli as he makes yet another master plan for an urban center.
“All I see is a Chevy turn into a monster robot and totally flatten a perfectly good mixed-use housing development,” he recalled.“I eventually became paranoid about objects turning into robots. In fact, one time, when I came out of my own apartment and saw a yellow Camaro parked out front, I smashed it inside and out with a ball-peen hammer.
“Turns out it was just somebody’s yellow Camaro. And get this; State Farm won’t even cover the damage.
“They were all, ‘You did what? Oh, hell no, we are not covering that.’
“So, guess who is the proud owner of a used Camaro with ball-peen whacks all over it?”
Here in the Pacific Northwest, planners are being proactive and have taken precautions to protect Seattle’s most precious landmark — the “Bezos’ Balls.”
Anaya Clark is in charge of the so-called “Operation Nutshot.”
“With Amazon so important to the local and regional economy, we have to save the architectural manifestation of Mr. Bezos’ danglers at all costs,” she explained.
“Our working assumption is these robots from another planet are pretty much like Europeans, and Europeans love their football, or soccer, we call it.
“The Bezos’ Balls do have a soccer ball-ish appearance to them. I can just imagine a Transformer kicking a Bezos ball and yelling ‘Gooooooaaaal’!
The planners have poured over various ideas to deter the intergalactic raiders.
“One of our first thoughts was to have the city emit a foul odor but realized that didn’t help Chicago in 2011,” Clark stated.
“Then we thought of blasting Nickleback songs from every rooftop. We’d put in on a constant loop.
However, we dropped that plan when every focus group we interviewed said they would rather have the city ruined than listen to Nickleback.”
It was Clark’s husband, Edmond, who came up with the most plausible plan.
“He works in the yard a lot and suggested we up-size one of those motion-detector, impact sprinklers that keep cats from pooping in your garden.
A giant impact sprinkler has been installed atop the Bezos’ balls to ward off possible Transformer attack.
Photo with lens flare by Michael Bay.
And here’s the genius of the plan. The sprinkler will shoot out salt water. I don’t care what planet you’re from. You get salt crystals in your gears, it’s going to hurt,” Clark said.
As a backup strategy, the military has been put on high alert. When called, they will swoop in and shoot ineffective bullets, rockets, and missiles at the robot that will do absolutely no good.
When asked why this plan is always used, Clark said, “We just do. I don’t know why. It’s in all the urban planning textbooks, but I’ve never heard of it working.
“Seriously, Godzilla, King Kong, it never works.
“The thing is if we don’t call out the military and the city gets flattened, some troll is going to post on Facebook, ‘Why didn’t they call out the military?’ You can’t win.”
The planners do have a backup, backup plan. If they are given at least two days’ notice, they intend to use Amazon Prime and ship the entire city to somewhere safe.
THIS JUST IN: GIANT SPRINKLER PROTECTING BEZO’S BALLS IS ACTUALLY A TRANSFORMER!
By LIONEL MESSI
WWGN Sports Reporter
As feared, Bezos’ Balls get kicked soccer-style. Operation Nutshot was deemed failure.
Sprinkler turned Transformer gives the Bezos’ Balls a kick.
Another hack photo by Michael Bay.
Just before press time, an urgent fax was received at WWGN International Headquarters. It indicated that the humongous impact sprinkler mounted on the Bezos Balls to protect them from Transformers was, in actuality, a Transformer itself.
The orbs were kicked down 6th Avenue and then between the Westin Hotel Towers. “Goooooaal” could be heard throughout the Puget Sound.
Anaya Clark, head of Operation Nutshot — the task force with the job of protecting the Bezos’ Balls — was quick to take the blame.
“This one is on me. I actually ordered the giant sprinkler from E-bay. It was in a rush, it was super cheap, and the seller had a great rating.
“I went back and looked at the packaging, and the return address is the planet Cybertron> I think that’s where Transformers come from. “Yeah, it was a real ‘duh’ moment.
“Anyway, the military is on the way to do more collateral damage than the Transformer itself.”
Citizens are urged to stay home and play some relaxing Kenny G until the threat has passed.
The only real hope to thwart the space raider is to get the local Major League Soccer team to intercept the ball and then keep kicking it out of reach until the Transformer becomes frustrated and goes home.
Unfortunately, the Sounders are in Columbus, Ohio, for an away game.