SO, GODZILLA, BIGFOOT, AND ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN GET ON A ZOOM CALL
By CARL KOLCHAK
Senior Monster/Paranormal Reporter
I set my small box of personal items on the empty desk. It was my first day on the job at World Wide Global News, and I was as surprised as anybody. I’d already had a career on the monster and paranormal beat for the Independent New Service in Chicago. Yet, the ennui of retirement and the allure of a substantial paycheck brought me back into the coven of reporters and editors.
Several months ago, I had done some freelance work for World Wide Global News, and I guess they liked what they read. So here I am in the tidy little town of Vashon, Washington. And, with the pandemic officially relegated to the history books, the residents of this thirteen-mile island were ready to enjoy a returning sun, tourists, and hopefully some weird happenings.
Even before my pencils were sharpened, the mail clerk plopped a scented envelope on my desk. Hardly anyone knew I was back in the game, so the author of the missive piqued my curiosity.
In an eloquent calligraphy that belied the writer, it was from none other than the Abominable Snowman. Apparently, he had met some other monsters in a chat room, and they began sharing war stories about how poorly society has treated them. Having followed my career, they thought I would give them a fair shake, so they contacted me for an interview.
Much has changed with monster reporting since I hung up my tape recorder. Instead of a clandestine meeting in a dank cave, haunted house, or fog-covered graveyard, I was to interview the Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, and Godzilla on a Zoom call.
Unexpectedly, I was as nervous as a cub reporter before the interview began. These were some of the biggest A-listers in the pantheon of monsters. I looked at my notes again and let them in from the Zoom waiting room.
Editor’s note: Due to Abominable Snowman’s ridiculously long name, it has been shorted to AbSno for this interview
Carl: Welcome, monsters. Thank you for taking this meeting. I know you all have busy schedules, so let’s get right down to it. Each of you would like to speak about how society has been less than fair to you during your various reigns of terror. It seems like a hard sell to me, but I am ready to hear you out.
Let me start with you, Bigfoot. According to my notes, your major issue is the fact that no one believes you exist.
Nothing but silence could be heard. I quickly scanned my screen and realized Bigfoot was on mute.
Carl: Bigfoot, your mute is on….Big….Bigfoot, turn off your mute…
Godzilla: MUTE ON!!!
Carl: I got this, Godzilla. I don’t think yelling is going to help. Wait…I think he’s got it.
Bigfoot: …ssholes that don’t think I exist!
Carl: We didn’t get every word of that, Bigfoot, but I think we have the sentiment.
To be fair, let me read what some of your critics have said. Dr. Thomas Hasselbeck, a noted paleo-biologist from the University of Montana, states, “We have found more T. Rex poop than evidence of anything remotely resembling Bigfoot. If this is a real animal, it must, like every other life form, have a minimum number of individuals for a genetically healthy population. Yet, we have never found a carcass in the woods. No one has ever shot and killed or disabled one. We’ve never had one hit by a car, It’s never been caught on a trail cam or doorbell camera. As everyone knows, every square inch of earth is in the background of someone’s selfie, yet we’ve never seen Bigfoot photobomb anyone’s picture. This is nothing more than a cryptid fan’s fevered, wet dream.”
That’s a pretty harsh assessment, Bigfoot. How do you respond?
It was silent again, then.
Bigfoot: You’re stupid.
Carl: OK, well, I guess that’s a response. You know this could all be resolved if you just turned on your camera.
Bigfoot: Um…the camera doesn’t work.
Carl: Oh, is that right? The microphone works perfectly, but the camera mysteriously doesn’t. I think I’m going to side with the good Dr. Hasselbeck here and declare Bigfoot nothing but a hoax.
OK, it looks like Bigfoot has left the meeting.
That went well.
Let’s move on to you, Abominable Snowman. What would you like to say about how society has treated you?
AbSno: Truth be told, I think Bigfoot is a load of hooey too.
Anyway, here’s what gives me heartburn with people and the press. What’s with the demeaning adjective before my name? Why do they always have to say “abominable” snowman? Why not “huge” snowman or “big” snowman, like Bigfoot.
Nobody says “odious” Bigfoot, “reprehensible” Chalupacabra, or “douche nozzle” Godzilla.
Carl: For the record, I think it’s chupacabra, not chalupacabra.
Godzilla: What “douche nozzle”? Douche nozzle bad?
AbSno: It ain’t good.
Godzilla: Godzilla, never hear “douche nozzle.”
AbSno: You’ve been asleep since the Cretaceous Period. You’ve missed a few things.
Carl: I think we’re getting off-topic here. Bigfoot is also known as Sasquatch, isn’t the Abominal Snowman, also known as Yeti?
AbSno: Interesting, you brought that up. First of all, I don’t remember signing off on letting any company use my name, “Yeti,” to sell overpriced beer coolers. I have half a mind to pursue litigation with my Abominable Lawyer.
And as for “Yeti” itself, it is a Tibetan word that literally translates to Big Dumbass Snowman, so yeah, I’m also called Yeti.
It’s not fair. I’m not a monster!
OK…I just heard it when I said it out loud. I am a monster but not, you know, a monster, monster. For instance, I’ve never stomped the crap out of Tokyo like Godzilla.
Godzilla: Oh sure, bring that up. That was 80 years ago. Youthful indiscretion.
Carl: Godzilla, this is Abominable Snowman’s time, ok?
So if Yeti is not a good name, what would like to be known by?
AbSno: Bob.
Carl: Bob?
Absno: Bob.
Carl: Hmm, that really doesn’t have the gravitas I expected. No parent is going to say, “Don’t stay out late, or ‘Bob’ will get you.” Just spitballing here, but how about Snow-squatch? It’s got that whole mystery ape vibe to it.
AbSno: Carl, in my community, we prefer the term primate, not ape. People go ape-shit. Nobody goes primate-shit.
Carl: Noted.
Just a second… Bigfoot, we all know you are back on the call. The host has to let you in. You really don’t know how Zooom works, do you?
Anyway…
Godzilla: ARRGH! Godzilla, just Googled “douche nozzle.” Godzilla stomp Abdom…Abob…Yeti.
AbSno: Any time, lizard-boy! It’s called endothermy. Try it sometime, you cold-blooded freak. You won’t make it halfway up my mountain. It will be like a cold snap in Florida, where the iguanas get stiff and fall out of the trees.
You’ll be an off-brand, T. rex, roadside attraction. Freak!
Carl: Yeti could you…
AbSno: Bob.
Carl: Bob. Could you not bust balls, assuming Godzilla has them. It’s just not a good idea to antagonize a 30-ton, fire-breathing lizard.
It was then we heard an ear-splitting noise, but when Godzilla came back into camera view, it stopped.
Carl: Godzilla?
Godzilla: Yeah.
Carl: What was that horrendous noise?:
Godzilla: Godzilla hear nothing.
Carl: Godzilla, will you unblur your background?
Carl: Godzilla, did you just destroy that village?
Godzilla: Uh, no.
Carl: Godzilla…
Godzilla: You’re stupid.
OK. Yes. Godzilla destroy. Me sorry. Godzilla no have neocortex in brain. No good at impulse control, understanding consequences, long-term planning.
Carl: I’ll see what I can do about getting you a neocortex, but in the meantime, just relax. Don’t stomp any more villages, OK, and don’t use that destructo-beam gizmo that comes out of your mouth. What is that thing anyway?
Godzilla: No idea, but freaks Godzilla out too.
AbSno: It’s radioactive halitosis, and it probably fried your neocortex.
By the way, hey ‘zilla, can you get me 15% off my car insurance?
Godzilla: AAARG…
Carl: Yeti, damn it…
AbSno: Bob.
Carl: Bob, would you stop pissing off Godzilla. Now, what did he just vaporize? Was that an orphanage or a hospital?
AbSno: I think it was a Bed Bath and Beyond.
Carl: Thank god, an empty building.
AbSol: Good time to get some new hand towels cheap.
Carl: Focus, Bob! And what is your problem with Godzilla anyway? Don’t monsters stick together?
AbSno: You’d think so, but Godzilla is the golden boy that thinks his metric-ton turds don’t stink. He gets all the media attention. He’s got the movie franchise, a line of toys. He gets to stomp all the seaside vacation spots.
Me? I live in the Himalayas. Do you know what I do every day? I watch it snow. Oh, that’s not true. On a really exciting day, there’s an avalanche.
Carl: Have you tried building snow forts? That’s kinda cool.
AbSno: I've built snow cities, but believe it or not, making pretend buildings out of snow is not as exciting as it sounds.
Carl: That’s unfortunate, but monsters don’t get to pick where and how they terrorize, right? I’m sure vampires would like to get stuff done during the day, but…hold on.
Godzilla, if you could stop wanton destruction for just a bit, that would be great. OK, your turn Godzilla. Can you tell us what your issue is with the public? And could you turn your blur back on? Lotta gore in the background.
Godzilla: OK, must get notes. Godzilla angry that “zilla” is used to imply bad things.
Carl: That’s your beef? I can’t say I saw that coming, what with every military on earth trying to kill you. Can you give an example?
Godzilla: Bridezilla, ratzilla, momzilla, promzilla, hogzilla, pimplezilla, that one hurt, and zillazllla which doesn’t even make sense.
Carl: I see your point, but there are good things too. Like…um, Mozilla, right?
Godzilla: Oh, you mean the thing you see when your email doesn’t get through? Yeah, OK. How wonderful to be associated with that.
Carl: I see your point, but I think the utter destruction of entire cities brings with it a lot of negative connotations.
Oh, you know, we have to wrap this up because I only have the free version of Zoom. It’s going to time out in a minute.
So, to sum up, Bigfoot, in fact, does not exist. He is just an incel, covered in Cheato dust, that lives in his mom’s basement.
The Abominable Snowman is bored and wants to be known as Bob.
And Godzilla needs a neocortex and hopefully will not ravage stuff if people stop using his name as a derogatory suffix.
That does it for World Wide Global News. This is Carl Kolchak saying good night and good news.
WWGN