SITQUITIUM: MIRACLE DRUG OR SNAKE OIL? HAS MEDICINE FOUND THE ANSWER TO THE SCOURGE OF SITTING?

Rochester, Minnesota, USA

Contents
Current Events
Headline News
Sitting is the New Smoking
Sitting is the New Smoking - audio
Surgeon General Considers Mandates
Surgeon General Considers Mandates - audio
Sitting is the New Smoking. What is your opinion?

---

The “sitting is the new smoking” idea is gaining adherents in the scientific community.

By CYN DROAM
Senior Health Correspondent

Dr. Angela Garner, director of the Mayo and Dill Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, states that “Sitting is more dangerous than smoking, kills more people than HIV, and is more treacherous than parachuting. We are sitting ourselves to death.”

A passionate supporter of the “I Sit You Not” movement. She is also a significant investor in a new, FDA-approved drug to treat chronic sitting.

World Wide Global News was granted exclusive access to the in-depth review of Sitquitium by the New England Journal of Medicine. Below is a synopsis of their research.

---

How does it work?

Along with exercise and a healthy diet, simply apply the patented googly-eye transdermal patches. Go about your day, and if you forget and sit down, each Sitquitium patch will deliver a massive dose of bullet ant venom.

Venom, you say?

Don’t worry. Our venom is all-natural, non-GMO, gluten-free, and the most painful toxin known to science.

According to an independent survey, no Sitquitium patient has ever sat down twice.

But don’t take our word for it!

Here’s what Danny Edwards of Jefferson City, MO had to say:

“I inadvertently sat down during my daughter’s wedding. My heart stopped twice and I crapped my pants, but I never sat down again.

Thanks Sitquitium!”

Side Effects Include:

Nausea, Headache, Blasted-Ass Syndrome, Loss of hearing, Loss of ears, Diminished appetite, Foot blight, Sponge Knuckle Disorder, Incurable armpit mites, and Dissolving Intestine Palsy.

These results are typical, and your results will not vary.

---

At a standing-room-only news junket, Sitquitium company officers were quick to quell fears that the therapy came to market too quickly and more research needed to be conducted. An FDA official, calling in anonymously from his new Ferrari, said, “We felt that testing eight guys over two weeks gathered more than enough data to deem this a safe and efficacious drug. Oh, I have to go. A Porsche loser is challenging me in the next lane!”

It was notable that “Big Furniture’s” spokesman, known to all as the “My Sofa Guy,” was, ironically, not taking the news sitting down. “We did our own research with the Venezuelan president, who is a really smart and super cool guy. We have the computers that prove everything!”

Also notable was an outspoken Big Tobacco. "HA! We knew it! All this time, it was sitting making people sick, not smoking. Well, we want a big fat apology, all the money we paid in settlements back, and every law banning smoking overturned. Including the ones saying candy can’t look like cigarettes. It’s that or big lawsuit time. I’ve got Sydney on speed dial."

The meeting devolved from there. Big Furniture started a “sit in” protest, Big Tobacco started sparking up their ciggy butts, and the Sitquitium officers made the horrible mistake of sitting down on their googly-eyed, transdermal patches.

WWGN

Sitting is the New Smoking - audio

Surgeon General considers new mandates to lower the high number of sitters.

The Surgeon General, shown here with an Infection Control Officer, addresses the nation about the sitting crisis.

---

Speaking from the secretive and highly secure Wu-Tang Clinic, the Surgeon General, or SG as he is known on the streets, describes the detailed medical data he has reviewed.

“As you can see from the chalkboard behind me, the evidence is overwhelming. Sitting is bad for you. To help stem this tsunami of badness, I have implemented the following mandates.”

• Restaurants will now have customers stand up and waitstaff sit. This excludes food trucks and those little push-cart things.

• Airline flights over one hour will be standing only, including the pilots.

• All sports arenas and stadiums will remove benches and seats. All except baseball because you’re already bored off your ass.

• When you have to tell someone some really good or really bad news, you can no longer say, “you’d better sit down for this.”

• All government-owned chairs will be destroyed.

• All other chairs will have a health warning stamped on them, example below.

Even this priceless 19th-century Queen Anne chair (shown here at the Metropolitan Museum of Art) could not avoid being stamped with a sitting warning.

---

SG went on to state, “It is hoped with these common sense, non-invasive mandates, we can conquer the scourge of sitting.”

The audience was clearly getting agitated by the possibility of new mandates. So much so the Infection Control Officer had to hose everybody down.

WWGN

Surgeon General Considers Mandates - audio