RITE-AID CLERK NOMINATED TO LEAD THE FOOD & DRUG ADMINSTRATION
Previous nominee was deemed too inexperienced.
By JALEN ASHBY
Freelance Reporter
Capitol Hill was abuzz today as Senate confirmation hearings began for the new head of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
The long-vacant seat has been held in the interim by Max Chandler, the FDA building custodian with the most seniority.
The last commissioner of the FDA was confirmed by the Senate during the Trump administration. In fact, it was his Mar-a-Largo caddy. Experts, however, were adamant that carrying golf clubs does not qualify a person to manage an agency tasked with protecting the health of the nation.
In response, Trump berated the press with, âHe gets a lot of headaches. That is good enough for me. FAKE EXPERTS!â
After the nomination gaff, the Biden administration staff was quick to offer another candidate, but partisan politics stymied every confirmation. Republicans finally go on board when Gerald âBamsâ Lessen was put forth as the administrationâs best choice. He wasnât particularly educated, never heard of Critical Race Theory, and never had an abortion.
Lessen has risen quickly through the ranks of the drugstore. Originally hired to work the receiving dock unloading supplies, he was promoted to clerk, then senior night shift clerk in just over a year.
Senate panel members were quick to pepper the candidate with questions. What follows is the Congressional transcript.
Senator: How long have you worked for Rite-Aid?
Lessen: I started between my sophomore and junior year and then continued working during my junior and senior years.
Senator: So you are a senior in college?
Lessen: High school.
Senator: I see. The FDA has over 12,000 workers. Do you believe you have the skill set to manage such a large organization?
Lessen: I have two bratty little sisters, so yeah, I got mad skills.
Senator: Mr. Lessen, one facet of the FDA is to regulate machines that emit electromagnetic radiation. What can you tell us about that?
Lessen: I am pretty sure thatâs how the Hulk got started, so definitely something to regulate.
Senator: The Food and Drug Administration also regulates tobacco and marijuana. Is this something you can adjudicate in an unbiased manner?
Lessen: Seriously? That skank is so hype, dude!
Senator:...and?
Lessen: I have no further comment, dude.
Senator: Let the record reflect Mr. Lessen states, âThat skank is so hype, dude.â
Moving on, the FDA is responsible for the control of prescription drugs. For instance, without FDA approval, new drugs and medical therapies will not make it to the marketplace.
Since your nomination has been made public, have you been approached by anyone from the pharmaceutical industry?
Lessen: Chah! You bet. They were waiting for me at the school bus stop when I got out of class. They had a limo too! Not a trashy Lincoln, but a Bentley. Iâd love to work for them after this FDA gig.
And they have been sooo nice to me. Almost every day, they pick my bros and me up to go to skate parks, arcades, and even NBA basketball games. They even got Lebron James to give me his jersey right in the middle of the game!
And I donât know if itâs my new Axe Body Spray or what, but every time we go out, a totally hot babe wants to be my girlfriend!
Senator: OK, we will leave all the ethics violations for another time.
Mr. Lessen, do you possess an extensive knowledge of food safety?
Lessen: Totally. Moms was huge into food safety. If a pot is on the stove, grab it with an oven mitt, even if you donât think itâs hot. Poke holes in the cellophane when you microwave. Wait for the pizza to cool, or you will get a blister on the roof of your mouth.
Senator: Clearly, you have benefited from excellent parenting. However, I was thinking more in the vein of outbreaks of E.coli or Listeria in the nationâs food chain.
Lessen: Thatâs a thing? I would totally devote one or even two study halls to get up to speed on that.
Senator: Is that right? I am sure the nation would appreciate your sacrifice. Mr. Lessen, have you ever been involved in a double-blind study?
Lessen: Dude, is this a trick question? If you are blind, you canât study anything. Or is this like a double negative where a double-blind person can really see? Whoa. Freaky dude.
It was at this point that a clearly irritated Congressional Sergeant at Arms made the unusual move of grabbing a microphone.
Sergeant at Arms: Mr. Lessen, will you refrain from addressing the Senator as âdude.â
Lessen: Whatever, Mein Fuhrer.
Senator: Letâs try and keep it civil, please. I call to my fellow members of Congress. Show of hands, who agrees with me that this is as good as we are going to get for a nominee?
Mr. Lessen, congratulations, you are the new leader of the Food and Drug Administration.
Lessen: Sweet! So does this mean I still have to take the SATs. I think I just leap-frogged over the whole college learning thing.
Senator: Weâll see what we can do.
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