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PUNDITS ARE CALLING IT THE BOXING MATCH OF THE CENTURY: TAYLOR SWIFT VS. TONYA HARDING
World Wide Global News: Entertainment Issue!
By Donna Queen
Senior Boxing Reporter
The sports world was rocked today when it was announced that Taylor Swift and Tonya Harding will meet in a winner-take-all boxing match. Fans of both celebrities expressed shock at the decision.
Skeptics were quick to suggest it is all a sham to get their names in the limelight. However, others noted that the recent so-called “Money Fight” between Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather had a final purse estimated at almost half a billion dollars between the two fighters.
Boxing legend and commentator Joe “Tomato Can” Palooka stated: “This is not so far-fetched. The fan base between the two is enormous, and the curiosity factor alone will bring in hundreds of millions of viewers. If they plan on a real boxing match and not some foxy-boxing spoof, then even the loser will take home at least $50 million dollars. I will definitely pay to see them fight.”
Las Vegas already has the odds makers hunched over their calculators. People in the Swift camp note that Taylor is 20 years younger than Harding. Swift’s boxing style is like her songs; both have plenty of powerful hooks. Yet Tonya’s proponents say Harding has experience in the ring, as well as the rink. She was a world-class athlete and is accustomed to grueling training regimens.
The fight is slated to take place in Madison Square Garden under the jurisdiction of the New York Boxing Commission. The rules will be fairly standard, with 15 three-minute rounds.
Taylor “Nashville Knockout Swift:
Ms. Swift arrives early at the gym every day, eager to begin training. Not only did she change to a very restricted diet, but she has also changed her touring schedule to accommodate the bout. Nothing is taken for granted.
“She is a born fighter,” states Lou “The Manchester Mangler” Poppateal, the singer’s voice and fight coach. “We start every session with an abdomen workout. I will whale away with blows to her stomach, and I will wear out way before she does.
“One time, a sparring partner came in a little hot and caught her with a straight right to the mouth. She spit out a front tooth like it was nothing and proceeded to punish the guy with massive body blows. She always says, ‘Kill the body, and the head will die’. I think it is a lyric in one of her songs.”
Swift’s music manager has some qualms about the new direction in her life, though. “I am not surprised at her dedication, but the missing tooth is worrisome. Now she whistles when she sings”
Tonya “Portland Pummeler” Harding:
Tonya Harding has several bouts to her credit involving over twenty rounds of full-on boxing. Her record is three wins and three losses to some very worthwhile competitors
While she doesn’t have a knockout punch, her quickness and a lightning jab should help keep Swift at bay.
Harding will need all of her ring savvy too. Reports coming in from boxing scouts say Swift is a brawler, stalking her opponent around the ring and trying to wrap them up in the corners.
“I have no illusions about Taylor,” Hardings states. “She has ten inches of height on me, so I am planning on a stick-and-move type fight. If I get in a clinch with her, I am toast.”
As far as sponsors for the bout go, it has been a bidding war from the beginning.
Inside sources believe Harding will be sponsored by Holly Carburetors and Cronk Energy Drinks. Her outfit for the bout will be ala, Mike Tyson. She’ll have a black tee and trunks with no socks.
Swift will be wearing the logos from Estee Lauder’s line of perfume, revitalizing moisturizer, and their latest offering, boxing groin protectors. NASA is also slated to be a sponsor. When asked why the government agency would sponsor a boxing match, their spokesperson said, “NASA engineers are huge fans of Taylor Swift. We scrubbed a mission to Mars to be her sponsor.”
The date of the bout is yet to be determined, but it is expected to be aired on Pay-Per-View and Nickelodeon.
ROY, MYSTIC FROM THE UNKNOWN, PRESENTS “PRECISION” HOROSCOPES!
If you were born today, there’s good news and bad news.
Tonight you will find yourself in bed with a romantic partner way above your league — that’s the good news.
Earlier in the day, you stood in front of the refrigerator deciding whether the milk had gone bad. You chose poorly — that’s the bad news.
During a romantic embrace, you will have an unannounced, immediate, and complete digestive system evacuation.
I’m not going to lie; it’s bad. This incident will be proof that you cannot die of embarrassment because you are not dead.
Your romantic partner uses social media to tell millions of followers about your “accident.” The post will be the most clicked in history.
The Witness Protection Program is your only hope for a normal life.
Besides that, everything looks good.
Oh, and your lucky number is 2.
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ROYETTE, APPRENTICE-MYSTIC FROM THE CULVER CITY, PRESENTS “IN THE BALLPARK” HOROSCOPES!
So, yeah, I was dating the drummer from this indie band called Stuff Your Love. I was also boinking the lead singer of the band on the side. One day I meet the backup bass player, Roy, and he tells me dating two guys from the same band is not a good idea and my romantic future doesn’t look good.
I spend the next weekend shacked up in an RV with the keyboard guy because he jumped started my car. I figured I’d repay the favor. Anyways, Monday morning, the drummer and singer break up with me. Can you believe it? I called Roy and said, “Roy! It came true, just like you said! How do you see into the future? Teach me!”
And the rest is history. Roy took me under his wing and taught me everything about astrology over a pitcher of margaritas. Here’s proof of my new, awesome psychic power.
Leo: Your sign is named after Leonardo da Vinci, so you should read The Da Vinci Code so you can find hidden messages and stuff. Also, never use a fork. Take my word on this one.
Pisces: You are the sign of the fish. You know, like dolphins and such. So don’t ever put a plastic six-pack ring on your head; you’ll never get it off.
Virgo: The virgin. I hate to break it to you, but you’re going to be a Virgo for the rest of your life. I recommend becoming a nun or hardcore gamer, so you’ll be with your own kind.
Aquarius: Aquarius is the “water bearer,” and in astrology terms, that means you will have to tinkle all the time until you die. Always get an aisle seat when flying. Other than flying, how will the rest of your life go? Depends.
Gemini: I don’t know how your life will be lived, but I do know how it will end. There will be a
That’s right. It ends just like The Sopranos.
Libra: The symbol of your sign is the scales. You know, like fish scales. I don’t know why. You don’t even like fish. Yours will be a life of overcoming adversity. In kindergarten, you will annoy all your classmates by eating all the crayons. Yet, later in life, you will achieve great success by winning the Masters Golf Tournament, while eating crayons.
Scorpio: You will spend most of your life treating chlamydia. What is wrong with you? All of this could be avoided if you just hooked up with a Virgo.
Capricorn: You are the sign of the GOAT which means “Greatest Of All Time”. Congratulations. What you are great at remains to be seen. It could be dancing, making wine, or flicking boogers. Really a crapshoot with the Capricorns.
Cancer: The name of your sign pretty much tells your future. Sorry. Maybe it’s just a weird mole.
Sagittarius: Sagittarius is not even a word. This zodiac sign is totally made up.
Aries & Taurus: I sat down with my fellow astronomers, and we decided twelve zodiac signs are too much, so we cut it to ten. Aries and Taurus, you're out. This decision was not taken lightly, but there were many omens that foretold this. For instance, Aries and Taurus are both crappy cars from the 1980s. OK, there was just the one omen. Clearly, it means something, though.
SENTURY 21 PRESENTS:
REAL ESTATE AGENTS THAT WENT FROM SELLING A HOME TO BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE!
For One Night Only: Kathy and the Realtones®
Wearing their classic yellow blazers, you’ll hear all your groovy favorites!
Open House, Closed Heart
He left me in Escrow
Your Brokered My Heart
Fannie Mae, but I Won’t
A PITI Party for Me
It was a Pre-approved Romance
I’m High on a Variable Mortgage
Balloon Payment of Love
And who can forget this chart-topping power ballad!
The person or persons buying tickets to see Kathy and the Realtones® heretofore known as “Entertainment” shall be heretofore known as “Attendee”.
All ticket sales are final. All sales must be signed in triplicate with the goldenrod colored copy remaining in the possession of the Attendee while viewing the concert.
Entertainment does not warranty that songs played will be suitable for Attendee. Assessment of said songs is solely the responsibility of Attendee.
Furthermore reading this agreement means you cannot sue, enter a class action suit against, or even think mean things about Sentury 21. So there.