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PENIS HEADS TO U.S. SUPREME COURT
Washington, D.C., USA
People for the Ethical Naming of Indigenous Species to present its case to the land’s highest court.
By ROY BEAN
WWGN Legal Reporter
It was a day of firsts at the high court and one that has left legal pundits stunned. Given the current state of the institution, this is perhaps expected.
The dark cloud of influence peddling over Chief Justice Roberts’ court has no doubt led to the changes. With a rash of stories coming to light of lavish gifts given to justices by ultra-wealthy donors, it was thought the court would finally make a code of ethics to set boundaries for those that sit on the court.
“Oh, hell, no.” Chief Justice Roberts said with a chuckle. “We are still going to define law according to the highest bidder. But given our sworn duty to the American people, we want to make it transparent.
“We are doing away with deals behind closed doors, undeclared graft, and general mob-like behavior. Now we are taking payola right out in the open through sponsorships. In fact, I’m honored today to proudly wear the logo of our first sponsor, Qantas Airlines (the irony is not lost on anyone except the court itself that the airline’s logo is a kangaroo). I also have a new “Chik-fil-a” gavel, and we are having “Hobby Lobby” trucker hats printed up. Beat that Congress”
Chief Justice Roberts showing off his new Chik-fil-a gavel.
The abrupt change in couture aside, the order of the day was the long-simmering case of PENIS v Booty.
With all the issues before the High Court, it came as a shock when the justices accepted the case at all. In an interview for OAN News, Justice Kavanaugh was asked why the court excepted such an unusual case and format. He admitted, “We basically accepted the case because it is fun to say PENIS v BOOTY. We have to deal with a lot of heavy stuff, so a case like this is a relief.”
What made it so unusual was how the case would be conducted. Most of the time, the court spends its time clarifying specific details of one case, but on today’s docket, an aggregation of cases will be adjudicated in quick succession. Beginning with a short opening argument from both sides and a word or two for each case.
This case has languished in the lower courts for years. The original issue began in Redlands, California, when the local chapter of PENIS brought legal action against Biological Origins of Ontogenesis and Taxonomy, or BOOTY, as it is commonly called. BOOTY is an international foundation whose mandate is to manage the common names of all living things.
At the heart of the case is PENIS’s opinion that the names of animals can have a profound influence on how they are treated by humanity, and, as such, a derogatory name is tantamount to cruelty.
However, BOOTY contends that common names are the will of the people. Each name is chosen without votes or mandates but in a truly grassroots manner. BOOTY relies heavily on the argument that a long history of an animal’s name takes precedence over what is trendy today. This is a line of reasoning the High Court has been in favor of for some time. Except, of course, June 24th, 2022.
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World Wide Global News has exclusive access to the transcripts from this historic session of the United States Supreme Court.
The proceedings got off to an awkward start when Chief Justice Roberts, thinking his microphone was off, turned to Justice Gorsuch and said, “Neil, turn the volume down on your phone. That Tik Tok music is distracting.”
First on the docket was a lizard from the American Southwest known as the Gila Monster.
Atty: Your honors, my client is a 12-inch reptile that spends 90 percent of the day underground bothering no one, yet has been maligned for centuries by the gross mischaracterization of the name “monster.” It has caused undue hardship and mental anguish as a result. And we ask the court for a name change to Gila Lout. I think we can all agree that lout is a defamatory name but does not rise to that of monster.
Justice Gorsuch: Counselor, your client is venomous. Is this not true?
Atty: Well, yes, that is technically correct, but my client wouldn’t hurt a fly...actually, that’s not true. Insects are part of its diet. However, there have been no documented human deaths from a Gila monster, and we believe that merits a name change.
The court looked up from their phones, and a majority nodded in affirmation.
Justice Gorsuch: Sounds stupid to me, but okay. Next.
The next PENIS attorney stood before the judges.
Atty: Your Honors, my client is a simple member of the salamander family living quietly in streams in the eastern United States. But to the chagrin of the entire species, they are called Hellbenders. Let me assure the court that my client and, by extension, the entire species in no way bend or mutate the mythical place known as hell. This is a falsehood of biblical proportions.
Justice Alito: Yeah, that seems kinda weird. What is your suggested name change?
Atty: There are several names historically used for my client, but sadly, none are as popular as Hellbender. We leave it to the wisdom of the court to decide.
How about Allegheny Alligator?
Justice Alito: Nope.
Justice Breyer: Nope.
Atty: Lasagna Lizard.
Justice Alito: Getting closer.
Atty: Snot Otter.
Justice Alito: Bingo. Next.
After a bit of a tussle, an attorney brought before the judges a visibly angry Tasmanian Devil. With a mighty lunge, the 20-pound carnivore broke its restraints and ran under Justice Robert’s robe. It began to wreak havoc with an ungodly sound.
Chief Justice Roberts: Cheese and rice! Get it off, get it off, get it off!
Fellow Supreme Court Justices pointed and laughed in a rare example of unanimous agreement in the court.
A quick-thinking bailiff followed the animal under his boss’s robe, and after what seemed like an eternity, he emerged holding the hissing and spitting creature by the scruff of the neck. In its mouth was a large chunk of what appeared to be tie-dyed yoga pants.
The Tasmanian Devil’s attorney quickly began collecting papers.
Atty: I think I see where this is headed, your honor. Thank you for your time.
After a brief recess, the group returned to the court, where Justice Roberts gingerly took the bench.
The cases proceeded apace, with some winners and some losers.
One loser, the crocodile, is now called the “Waterside Death Beast,” but, in a surprise ruling, the Komodo Dragon is now known as Komodo the Friendly Dragon.
The ogre-faced spider’s name has been changed to “Christina” at the suggestion of Justice Kavanaugh. When asked why he simply said, “I like beer.”
Returning from yet another extended vacation, a refreshed Justice Thomas, who has spoken but a handful of times during his thirty-plus years on the bench, began yelling in a booming voice.
Justice Thomas looking relaxed or possibly totally baked on marijuana edibles.
Justice Thomas: Hey! You tits knock it off!
Justice Roberts leaned forward to look at his colleague.
Chief Justice Roberts: You okay, buddy?
Justice Thomas: Well, just look at them.
Lost in the general clatter of the courtroom were a pair of tit birds in the back row having a very animated argument.
Justice Roberts hammered his Chik-fil-a gavel and began speaking sternly.
Chief Justice Roberts: Somebody needs to restrain their tits. Counselor, are those your tits?
Atty: I wish. My client is the satanic leaf-tailed gecko.
Chief Justice Roberts: Somebody better step up, or I will be forced to hold them in contempt.
Just then, the courtroom door opened, and an attorney ushered in two birds with blue feet.
Atty: Sorry, your Honor. Yes, those are my tits. I was looking for my Blue Footed Boobies. They were in the wrong courtroom. Boobies, what are you gonna do?
Chief Justice Roberts: Counselor, restrain your tits and boobies. I will not have them assail the dignity of this court.
Blue Foot Boobies in the wrong courtroom.
The last case of the day proved to be the most contentious. A harried PENIS lawyer who had previously won the cases for the Rasberry Crazy Ant (now the Rasberry Lovingly-eccentric Ant), the Screaming Hairy Armadillo (now the Having-a-bad-day Armadillo), and the Chicken Turtle (now the It’s-oK-to-be-scared Turtle), stepped up to the defense table.
For this case, though, he began without a defendant.
Justice Alito: Counselor, where is your client?
Atty: You honor the logistics of bringing my client to this hearing made it impossible for them to be here.
Justice Alito: The court takes a very dim view of trying a case in-absentia.
Atty: Of course, but I believe the extreme circumstances will justify the absence. You see, my client is a Hagfish and lives at the bottom of the ocean.
This information perked up Justice Barrett.
Justice Barrett: A fish, you say. Tell me more about your client.
Atty: Well, it is unusual, to say the least. It is a scavenger that lives on the ocean floor, as I said. It feeds off the dying and injured, often entering their prey through the anus and consuming them from the inside out.
It has no vertebral column and, when threatened, covers itself with slime to elude capture.
Justice Barrett: Yes. Yes. that’s all well and good, but as fish, they must produce roe, correct?
Atty: Yes, I believe that’s true.
Justice Barrett: Aha, so you admit it! Do you know what roe is, counselor?
Justice Barrett: Roe is unborn baby fish, and it makes Jesus cry! You, sir, are fostering the murder of untold millions.
Justice Roberts tried to get her attention, but her messianic rant continued. She began quoting scripture and detailed the rapture and plagues that will fall upon mankind if roe continued.
She only stopped when Justice Roberts grabbed one of Kavanaugh’s beer koozies and hit her in the face.
Chief Justice Roberts: Amy! Amy, we talked about this. I will let you wear the crown of thorns and cross around your neck if you promise not to turn everything into another Roe v Wade. Remember our deal?
You haven’t even been here three years, and you’ve already denied half the population sovereignty over their own body. That should make you happy. Just be cool, and I’ll let you ruin many more lives really soon. OK?
A broad smile broke out on her face. She nodded gratefully and went back to reading her bible.
Justice Barrett’s creepy stare puts sinners on notice, “I’m coming for you! You will be cast into Hell forever through God’s mercy!”
Chief Justice Roberts: Now, counselor, Hagfish is an unfortunate name, but this animal intrigues me. It is spineless, preys on the dying and weak, attacks its client from behind, and, when threatened, covers itself with impenetrable scum.
I don’t know why, but I feel a certain fealty to this creature. Does it go by any other name than Hagfish, maybe an older one? Remember, historical names carry a lot of weight with the court.
Atty: Yes, your honor, it does have a much older name, its original name, in fact, but we thought a name change to “Slickfish” or “Bottom-buddy Fish” might be in order.
Chief Justice Roberts: That doesn’t make sense to me. If it has an original name, that should take precedence. What is the original name?
Atty: Um…Lawyers of the Sea.
A collective gasp went up from the bench. Murmurings of “Well, I never,” “the nerve,” and “this is an outrage” could be heard. Justice Kavanaugh unsteadily got to his feet.
Justice Kavanaugh: Not cool, bro! Not cool!
The sloppy drunk justice then threw a nearly full bear can at the PENIS attorney.
Justice Kavanaugh does the unthinkable and throws a can that still has some beer in it.
Atty: Whoa…I didn’t name the damn thing!
Chief Justice Roberts: Order! Order in my court!
This admonishment brought the hackles down on the other justices.
Chief Justice Roberts: I think we can all agree the idea of precedence is pure nonsense. The name remains Hagfish.
A small round of applause came from the bench.
As this most unusual Supreme Court case came to an end, the majority of court observers were satisfied that, in the end, PENIS really gave to BOOTY.
With a sharp gavel rap, Chief Justice Roberts adjourned the court. A relieved Justice Kavanaugh wobbled in his chair and, with a sloppy grin, cheered, “Toga, toga, toga! Party at my place! BYOB with barbeque. It’s going to be awesome. Ted Nugent is going to be there, and we’re going to machine gun some woke stuff.”
Justice Barrett demurred. She gathered her bibles and returned to her cloister.
As for Justice Thomas, he left with his carry-on luggage en route to another vacation.
Chief Justice Roberts gave a satisfied look at the courtroom, grabbed his Luis Vitton briefcase, and walked out with his gold lamay, slip-on Sketchers flashing beneath his robe.