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“COUNCIL OF DEER” DECIDES HOW MANY VEHICLE ACCIDENTS TO CAUSE NEXT YEAR
Charleston, West Virginia, USA
Local mole uncovers crime syndicate among area deer population.
Council of deer attendees (from left to right) John Deere, outgoing president, Bambi von Prancer, president-elect, and “Doug” WWGN undercover mole.
By BERNIE WOODWARD
WWGN Senior capo
When most of us swerve into a ditch to avoid a deer, we consider it bad luck, but is it? In a long-term investigation, World Wide Global News has blown the lid off the secretive organization known as the “Critterati.” For over two years, “Doug,” an undercover mole, has burrowed deep into the inner workings of this nefarious organization. Working his way up from a mail room gofer to executive assistant to the vice president, he has seen it all or, at least, heard it all. Even with corrective lenses, Doug is legally blind. It’s a mole thing.
What first appeared to be the random workings of nature turned out to be a well-oiled and disciplined group of ungulates—their mission: to cause automobile accidents.
Doug approached WWGN with a plan to infiltrate the Critterati through his underground connections. Working as an intern in the mail room, information was hard to come by. Yet, he did notice a lot of mail coming from Chevy Chase, Maryland. Who was in Chevy Chase? What did it mean?
Working hard but keeping a low profile, he was promoted to “concierge.” His job was to see that everything ran smoothly during quarterly meetings. He would get snippets of conversations when delivering twigs and berries to the conference room. There were heated arguments about quotas not being met. This would trigger a visit from the dreaded “Mr. G.”
Mr. G speaks to the Critterati as his monitor lizards, well, monitor the crowd.
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Doug remembered a particular part of every meeting. “Before every meeting, I was given one or two pictures of newly fallen deer to hang on the Wall of Sacrifice. It was always a solemn occasion. I couldn’t understand why so many deer were dying.”
During his second year as an operative, he was promoted again to junior account manager. Now he had a seat at the table and access to more information. He witnessed bribes, influence peddling, and, during the rut, lots of unprotected sex.
The problem of missed quotas came up again and again. Doug tried to ask questions without raising suspicion. What was not getting done to miss the quotas? The answer was accidents. The deer were not causing enough accidents, and Mr. G was coming to town to fix the problem.
Why are deer causing accidents on purpose, and who is Mr. G? Doug would soon have his answers.
“On the day of the meeting, there was an unusual amount of poop in the parking lot. The deer were nervous. At the appointed time, the double doors of the meeting room opened, and in walked Mr. G, flanked by his bodyguards. A pair of monitor lizards.
“My jaw dropped to the ground when I saw him. I had seen him a thousand times on television, billboards, and magazines. Mr. G was the spokes lizard for a huge insurance company. A company headquartered in Chevy Chase, Maryland.”
You won’t find him on any organization chart, but Mr. G is the unquestioned ruler of the Critterati. The meeting came to order, and a minute of silence was held for those on the wall of sacrifice.
After that, the monitor lizards stood up and surveyed the crowd as they twisted their pinky rings. With a slight nod from the monitors, Mr. G stood and approached the microphone. Having just recovered from realizing who Mr. G was, Doug was shocked again as he heard him speak. Instead of the friendly English cockney accent, out came a voice born and bred in New Jersey.
“Hey, how youse freakin’ doing, a’right. We got a problem, but we can fix it. Alright, fugettaboutit.”
He talked for an hour about honor and loyalty. Except for licking his eyeball, he never made an expression. Even for a reptile, he was cold-blooded. The crowd stomped their feet and flicked their tails at every chance. Was it love or fear? It was hard to say.
With a more strident voice, Mr. G said, “How am I gonna raise the freakin’ insurance rates on my customers unless they get into a freakin’ accident, am I right! What’s gonna happen if there ain’t more accidents? Let’s just say you gots a real nice place here. Sure be a shame if my associates from back East, Mr. Cougar, and Mr. Bear, came for an extended visit. Just sayin’. Things happen.”
And there it was, a simple insurance scam. Deer cause accidents on purpose to drive up rates to the customer. Nobody is the wiser. The good news was, even though the customer’s rates went up, everybody still saved fifteen percent or more on their insurance.
Audio Council of Deer
FROM REGULAR JOE TO UNDERCOVER MASTER SPY
“Doug,” the undercover mole shown here relaxing at home without his elaborate disguise.
An in-depth interview with a whistle-blower.
By WILMA BERNSTEIN
WWGN deep-cover reporter
WWGN: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today, Doug. Let me jump right in; what led you to become an undercover agent?
Doug: That’s hard to answer. I was just a regular dad. You know, spending all day in the yard, raising a couple of kids, eating worms - the daily grind. But I always have my ear to the ground, and I began to hear rumblings about criminal mischief in the area. There was an upsurge in car accidents, and some people said there might not be so much of an accident.
WWGN: Did you talk to anybody about it?
Doug: I tried, but all my neighbors are rodents: mice, voles, squirrels. They aren’t tied to the land like moles. If the neighborhood goes bad, they climb another tree. Moles put a lot of work into their digs. We are in it for the long haul.
WWGN: How long ago did you approach World Wide Global News with your story?
Doug: About two years ago, I told your editor of my suspicions. I told him that I could get the dirt on anyone. I had a unique ability to be in the middle of a situation yet be completely unnoticed. He said he has the same experience on dating websites.
WWGN: How did you adapt to going undercover as a different animal?
Doug: It was a hard adjustment at first. Whenever I returned to my burrow, I would knock my antlers off. During my internship, I had to keep my anger in check. They kept calling me a gopher. Can you believe that? “Gopher, get this. Gopher, get that.” To a mole, being called a gopher is insulting. Those clowns don’t know their butts from a burrow. Also, because my hands are so up by my ears with the palms facing out, everybody thinks I want a high-five. I swear, I’d stand by the copier, and a dozen people would slap my hand.
WWGN: You had to work with a variety of animals that you were unfamiliar with. We understand that raccoons can be, um, challenging. What was it like working with them?
Doug: Here’s the weird part, raccoons are not part of the organization. They are just really stupid. They think they are a lot faster than they really are. Raccoons are Critterati wannabes. In fact, there’s a joke around the office: “What’s the difference between deer roadkill and raccoon roadkill? There are no skid marks in front of the raccoon.
WWGN: Were you ever afraid you’d blow your cover?
Doug: It was always on my mind, and I almost got found out once in early May. I kept getting these sarcastic comments from the guys. “You gonna wear that all year?” or “I remember my first pair, but you gotta let it go, man.”
WWGN: What were they talking about?
Doug: I was still wearing my fake antlers. Deer shed their antlers every year.
WWGN: You didn’t know that? I thought everybody knew that.
Doug: How the hell am I supposed to know that? I live underground!
WWGN: Of course. Why were you pulled out of the investigation?
Doug: Moles only live about three years, so I will die of old age or be eaten in a couple of months.
WWGN: I see. Thank you for your service.
This has been Wilma Bernstein reporting for World Wide Global News.