BATTALION OF DISNEY LAWYERS LAND ON LOCAL BEACHES
Huntington Beach, California, USA
Container ship spills several tons of licensed Disney products into local waters.
Skip “Minni” Cooper looks on as Chuck “Bro Bono” O’Connor prepares to parachute. “Litigation from above, HUA!”
By Bob “Tunnel of Love” Spencer
Senior Theme Park Reporter
Tricky currents caught a freighter captain by surprise, resulting in several cargo containers spilling onto the shores of Huntington Beach. Among the massive crates were several containing Disney character costumes, including the giant heads worn by actors at Disney theme parks. Locals flocked to the shoreline to see the hundreds of heads bobbing in the surf.
Within minutes of the container spilling open, a “ping” was sent from Disney’s covert satellite network to a command and control center deep inside Magic Mountain.
A company-wide alert was initiated. A Disney product was not where it should be.
The Strategic Attorney Command, or SAC, as it’s known, huddled around maps and computers to assess the problem. It was quickly decided there were not enough local assets to handle the rapidly escalating situation, and the call went up for the conglomerate’s quick reaction team of lawyers.
Special Forces Attorneys are an elite group at the happiest place on earth. With their motto “Death Before Mistrial!”, they stand ready to be deployed anywhere on earth and defend against copyright and trademark infringements against Disney and its subsidiaries.
Favor to ask
As locals picked through their favorite characters, the skies darkened when an unknown number of parachutes deployed. Crack teams of lawyers, paralegals, and notary publics were landing on the beach.
At a hastily erected headquarters spokesperson, Valerie Cruz held a press conference. “It is our fear that these company-owned products will fall into the hands of children who will then have fun for free. As sworn agents to Disney stockholders, our duty is that every ounce of joy and happiness derived from a Disney product be paid for in full.”
Local beachgoer, Ed Wright, is tackled and slapped with a legal summons while wearing a Goofy mascot head.
It was a marvel of efficiency as lawyers raced back from the beaches to be re-equipped with cease and desist orders before going headlong into the fray again. While some citizens tried to argue maritime law regarding flotsam and jetsam, the legal first responders were having none of it. Anyone who argued was immediately put on a “no buy list” and barred from purchasing any Disney product.
Some people caught in the melee thought the tactics were heavy-handed. So says Ed Wright, from nearby Costa Mesa.
“Yeah, I was poking around the beach and found a Goofy head. Goofy is the one that can talk, right? Pluto is the one that is just a dog? Anyways, I put it on and was running around making my kids laugh when I heard somebody that sounded like Donald Duck yell, “hands on top of your head.”
Well, that head is like 4 feet tall. I couldn’t put my hands on my head.
Before I knew what was happening, I was on the ground with someone tearing my head off. When I came to my senses, I had a legal summons stuffed in my hand. How can they do that?”
Within an hour, the Coast Guard, a subsidiary of Disney Incorporated, rushed to the scene and deployed flotation booms to corral the wayward heads. Officials have not ruled out a house-to-house search if all the heads cannot be accounted for. Allegedly, some have already shown up on eBay and the so-called “dark web.”
While environmental damage has yet to be assessed, the company vows to compensate anyone who can show loss of income or psychological harm from hundreds of disembodied heads landing on their property.