BIDEN ADMINISTRATION UNVEILS INFRASTRUCTURE REVITALIZATION PLAN

Washington, D.C.

Plans include replacing all bridges across the Mississippi River with a single“really good one.”

Federal officials celebrate the completion of an 8 billion dollar downtown renewal plan in Birmingham, Tennessee. Locals are astonished at the improvements. Said one jubilant citizen, “We were so tired of all the urban blights.

By Dorothy “Dot” Botts
Senior Highways and BighwaysReporter

Maintenance of America’s infrastructure has been a thorny issue kicked down the road by many administrations. But White House officials have recently unveiled a plan they state is practical and will save the nation’s taxpayers billions of dollars over the next two decades.

The United States Department of Transportation spokesperson had this to say: “If none have collapsed since I checked the internet, then there are 133 bridges that span the Mississippi River. Our plan is to consolidate them into one central bridge accessible to everyone.”

Exactly where the bridge will be built has been an issue of some contention. The original plan was to have it at the geographic halfway point somewhere near the northwest Tennessee or Arkansas border. This would mean the bridge is closest to the most people based on geographic distance.

However, after consultation with White House officials, it was decided to locate the bridge in Possumneck, Mississippi.

The decision has traffic experts and casual observers both scratching their heads.

Anonymous sources say the real reason for the bridge’s placement is that a powerful Southern Senator has a cousin named Goober who owns a two-pump gas station in Possumneck and would be set to make millions upon the bridge’s completion. An investigation into political kickbacks and graft is ongoing.

Other areas of the nation’s infrastructure have been reviewed for cost-cutting measures, including Interstate Highways and roads, nuclear plants, national parks and the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) to name a few.

In the case of the FAA, expensive control towers will now be one guy with a bullhorn and a phone app standing on a ladder.

Global warming will be promoted in order to evaporate water, thus solving the crumbling dams situation. A source who wished to remain anonymous stated, “lack of water will greatly improve dam safety.”

Rest areas will be closed along the Interstate Highway system. Instead, travelers will be encouraged to buy government-approved “Tinkle Totes,” a biodegradable jug drivers can simply chuck out the car’s window when full.

This will be accompanied by a public service announcement campaign: “You should have thought about that before you left.”

Of great concern to safety engineers is the state of highway viaducts. These small bridges that maintain the flow of traffic are in a woeful state.

Government officials have been testing small, easy-to-maintain ramps instead of an actual viaduct. Once they have narrowed down the correct pitch and ramp speed for the vehicles, the information will be passed down to the automotive industry so they can begin designing trucks and cars with beefier shocks and roll cages.

The Department of Transportation conducts an unsuccessful attempt to design inexpensive ramps instead of viaducts to cross roadways. This test simulated a typical American family on vacation. The results were that speeds at the end of ramps need to be much higher.

Government accountants say treasury coffers will be filled when National Parks are changed into National Trailer Parks. This has caused an uproar from the Sierra Club and the like, but proponents say the difference will be hardly noticeable. Instead of wolves and herds of bison, there will be junkyard dogs and herds of Walmart shoppers.

Tourists are encouraged to visit the parks but stay in their cars as trailer trash meth-heads may attack even if unprovoked.

Expensive nuclear plants have already been privatized. After careful vetting, one half has been sold to the company that rents furniture by the month and the other half to a guy who owns a phone accessory kiosk.

As for the almost uncountable road cracks, potholes, slumped shoulders, and frost heaves, the Department of Transportation has just purchased 100 million orange cones.

WWGN