ALIENS RETURN TO EARTH FOR REUNION
Roswell, New Mexico, USA
Event marks first-time extra-terrestrials have ever come back to Earth.
Kevin and Lisa pose with a picture of themselves 76 years ago.
Photo by WEBB TELESCOPE
By BUCK RODGERS
Senior Space Being Reporter
It was seventy-six years ago this summer that the first evidence of UFOs was found just outside Roswell, New Mexico, by “Mac” and Vernon Brazel. Mac described it as “a large area of bright wreckage made up of rubber strips, tinfoil, and rather tough paper and sticks.”
The pair brought the unusual items to the sheriff, who contacted the local Army commander, who sent it up the chain of command to the 8th Air Force in Fort Worth, Texas. Before long, an intelligence officer was evaluating the yet-to-be-identified objects. By July 8th, the afternoon paper ran the headline:
“The intelligence office of the 509th Bombardment Group at Roswell Army Air Field announced at noon today that the field has come into the possession of a Flying Saucer.”
Their story ushered in the popular myths of UFOs, little green men, and shadowy men in black. Since then, the military has declassified documents admitting the objects were parts of a high-altitude balloon. The idea was to send the balloon into the ionosphere and pick up any evidence of radiation. This would be powerful evidence the Soviets had managed to build an atomic bomb. So it came as quite a surprise when two aliens showed up in a local bar to celebrate the 76th anniversary of their trip to Roswell.
Kevin and Lisa (not their real names) had just oozed out of their maturation pods and were ready to enjoy a traditional rite of passage. On Earth, young adults graduate high school and take a gap year before heading off into more serious endeavors. In a similar rite of passage, Kevin and Lisa ate their grandparents and took a gap light-year, where they traveled at the speed of light for a year to various hot spots in the universe. For instance, Alpha Centauri to them is like Fort Lauderdale to earthlings. It’s fun while you’re there, but you often leave with embarrassing memories and a venereal disease or two.
Using a Berlitz phrase book, WWGN reporter Buck Rodgers (not to be confused with Buck Rogers) was able to interview the couple.
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Buck: Why did you choose Roswell for your visit?
Lisa: We were actually on our way to Spokane’s, Washington’s “Pig Out in the Park” festival but got lost. Crazy, huh, traveling for a year at the speed of light and getting lost at the very end. We had AAA maps and everything.
Buck: According to the Wikipedia page concerning the Roswell Incident, some unusual rubber, paper, and tin crashed to Earth. Can you tell us about that?
Lisa: Oh my gosh, we’d forgotten about that. That was Kevin. He was drinking and driving. I know, not cool. He never could hold his ammonia. He began puking out the window and hit a balloon. To be fair, the balloon was flying at 60,000 feet. I guess we ruined someone’s birthday party.
Buck: And what about the “men in black” that some say asked the witnesses to keep quiet? Were you working with government agents?
Lisa: Oh, those weren’t government agents. They were Kevin’s parents. The original helicopter parents. They were never far behind, making sure their baby didn’t get into any trouble. You see, it is considered very rude to throw up on a planet that is not your own. Kevin’s parents didn’t want his faux pas to get into his permanent record. Since we are immortal, it really is a permanent record.
Buck: Did you travel anywhere else while you were here?
Lisa: We stopped at a little place called Maury Island, Washington. It was a sleepy little place our friend Gort told us about. Did you ever meet Gort? Apparently, he partied so hard here that he made the Earth stand still. Lubbock, Texas, was nice, too, and we must have taken a million pictures at Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.
Buck: What has changed the most since you’ve been gone?
Kevin: We don’t remember it being this hot. And all the space junk was a real surprise too. The first time we came, it was unspoiled beauty, and this time I dinged my ship on an eight-ton, dead satellite. You really need to put orange cones around it or some of that yellow hazard tape. But I think the biggest change was back in 1947, earth didn’t have Chipotle restaurants. They are our absolute favorite. I am surprised more places don’t put pathogens in their food.
Buck: Did you visit any other planets in our solar system?
Kevin: Yes, I had to answer the call of nature, so to speak, so we pulled over on Mars.
Buck: We have sent several remote sensing devices to Mars to determine if it has water. Does it have water?
Kevin: It does now.
Buck: We have several rovers on Mars, Spirit, Opportunity, Curiosity, and Perseverance. Did you see them?
Kevin: What? The go-karts? We busted a couple of them. I hope you got the extended warranty. They were too slow for my taste. I don’t think they’ll catch on.
Buck: What are your plans for the future?
Kevin: We want to see the biggest ball of string on Earth. I started one on my planet, and by the time I stopped, it was so large there was atomic fusion in the center of it. I want to compare the two.
Buck: You might be disappointed.